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Emotional Constipation
Apr. 11th, 2021 08:22 pmUpon telling my best friend about the observation that follows, she dubbed it "emotional constipation". It fits quite well, so I'm going to keep it.
For a couple of weeks I could not bring myself to perform basic household tasks. I could see the full trash can and logically conclude that it needed to be emptied, but I could not make myself do it until I was tripping over boxes and items that would not fit in the trash can. Even setting a reminder on my phone didn't help. Laundry was a struggle too, we had clean clothes to wear but for multiple nights half of my queen sized bed was occupied by a heaping mountain of wrinkly but clean laundry. If I had folded and put away as each load finished it wouldn't have gotten like that but NO. Folding felt excruciating. Like suddenly my limbs slowed and the tops of my shoulders felt painful at merely the thought of folding. Dishes were the only thing I somewhat kept up with while the rest of the house was a sticky, cluttered mess. And it was starting to smell funny.
I knew something was bothering me but I could not put words to it. I thought it was anxious or bothered about something to do with work, or my evaluation/unraveling process.
Fast-forward to this past weekend, I visited my family for the first time since Christmas. I generally have good relationships with all of my immediate family, and my kids were super-excited to get some time with their cousin who is the same age as my youngest. I didn't stay overnight though I often do since it is a long drive there and back. I was exhausted, but glad I could see everyone. I also got to see my grandmother who is nearly 90 who I hadn't seen in about a year.
This morning, the day after, it was as if a fog lifted in my head. I saw the nastiness in the kitchen and after a cup of coffee, I started cleaning. In that moment, cleaning felt good. I spent over an hour on the kitchen alone and improved it's appearance and feel with the removal of the sticky residue on the floor. I tossed expired food out of the fridge and took three giant bags of trash to the bin. I refreshed my bedsheets and went through my oldest's clothing, setting aside all the items that no longer fit and listed them on the local FB group to donate. There is NOTHING on my bed aside from my linens.
The day before I had no idea that I missed my family, if someone asked me I might have said yes I miss them, since it had been so long. I didn't connect the dots until I had finished scrubbing the kitchen, which now has me thinking of different things I haven't been able to do for various reasons and how it may be affecting me.
For a couple of weeks I could not bring myself to perform basic household tasks. I could see the full trash can and logically conclude that it needed to be emptied, but I could not make myself do it until I was tripping over boxes and items that would not fit in the trash can. Even setting a reminder on my phone didn't help. Laundry was a struggle too, we had clean clothes to wear but for multiple nights half of my queen sized bed was occupied by a heaping mountain of wrinkly but clean laundry. If I had folded and put away as each load finished it wouldn't have gotten like that but NO. Folding felt excruciating. Like suddenly my limbs slowed and the tops of my shoulders felt painful at merely the thought of folding. Dishes were the only thing I somewhat kept up with while the rest of the house was a sticky, cluttered mess. And it was starting to smell funny.
I knew something was bothering me but I could not put words to it. I thought it was anxious or bothered about something to do with work, or my evaluation/unraveling process.
Fast-forward to this past weekend, I visited my family for the first time since Christmas. I generally have good relationships with all of my immediate family, and my kids were super-excited to get some time with their cousin who is the same age as my youngest. I didn't stay overnight though I often do since it is a long drive there and back. I was exhausted, but glad I could see everyone. I also got to see my grandmother who is nearly 90 who I hadn't seen in about a year.
This morning, the day after, it was as if a fog lifted in my head. I saw the nastiness in the kitchen and after a cup of coffee, I started cleaning. In that moment, cleaning felt good. I spent over an hour on the kitchen alone and improved it's appearance and feel with the removal of the sticky residue on the floor. I tossed expired food out of the fridge and took three giant bags of trash to the bin. I refreshed my bedsheets and went through my oldest's clothing, setting aside all the items that no longer fit and listed them on the local FB group to donate. There is NOTHING on my bed aside from my linens.
The day before I had no idea that I missed my family, if someone asked me I might have said yes I miss them, since it had been so long. I didn't connect the dots until I had finished scrubbing the kitchen, which now has me thinking of different things I haven't been able to do for various reasons and how it may be affecting me.
