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I hired someone to clean my house
May. 2nd, 2021 01:38 pmTL;DR; - I hired someone for the first time in my life to help clean my home, and it was an exhausting but positive experience.
( El resto debajo aquí )
( El resto debajo aquí )
When I awoke this morning I felt as if there were thousands of prickles sticking me all over my body. This came along with feeling generally frustrated like I normally do at the end of the day but I wanted to try to clean a little bit before logging into work. I am overwhelmed at the concept of cleaning my entire house and overwhelmed at sitting in mess and clutter. I did get some cleaning done in my room which made me feel better. The kids were having issues following instructions regarding school and play which was frustrating. I could feel my tension rising in my body from both the frustration of my children not listening to me and not being able to do the tasks that I must do for both my work and my home. In the end, it was a cantaloupe being messily carved by a small boy, or rather murdered. A murdered cantaloupe all over my counters and floors leaving a sticky mess everywhere. This was the thing that pushed me into meltdown.
Over and over I had told my son to not use the giant knife and that I would cut up the cantaloupe for him for lunch. I screamed louder than I would ever scream that I should never scream that loud in front of my children not unless their lives were in danger.
I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to work to stop and I wanted school to stop. I wanted people to leave me alone. I wanted the noise to stop. But none of this could happen because I am a single parent at home with two young children.
It took me several minutes in my room alone to let the anger flow and just BE. To get it out of me. I had to make sure the children's needs were met and they did their school work. For the rest of the day I could not concentrate and I had a hard time speaking. Like words were there but pushing them out felt extremely difficult. The only thing that helped me was playing video games for hours in the evening.
I feel so guilty for being like this around my children.
Over and over I had told my son to not use the giant knife and that I would cut up the cantaloupe for him for lunch. I screamed louder than I would ever scream that I should never scream that loud in front of my children not unless their lives were in danger.
I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to work to stop and I wanted school to stop. I wanted people to leave me alone. I wanted the noise to stop. But none of this could happen because I am a single parent at home with two young children.
It took me several minutes in my room alone to let the anger flow and just BE. To get it out of me. I had to make sure the children's needs were met and they did their school work. For the rest of the day I could not concentrate and I had a hard time speaking. Like words were there but pushing them out felt extremely difficult. The only thing that helped me was playing video games for hours in the evening.
I feel so guilty for being like this around my children.
Emotional Constipation
Apr. 11th, 2021 08:22 pmUpon telling my best friend about the observation that follows, she dubbed it "emotional constipation". It fits quite well, so I'm going to keep it.
For a couple of weeks I could not bring myself to perform basic household tasks. I could see the full trash can and logically conclude that it needed to be emptied, but I could not make myself do it until I was tripping over boxes and items that would not fit in the trash can. Even setting a reminder on my phone didn't help. Laundry was a struggle too, we had clean clothes to wear but for multiple nights half of my queen sized bed was occupied by a heaping mountain of wrinkly but clean laundry. If I had folded and put away as each load finished it wouldn't have gotten like that but NO. Folding felt excruciating. Like suddenly my limbs slowed and the tops of my shoulders felt painful at merely the thought of folding. Dishes were the only thing I somewhat kept up with while the rest of the house was a sticky, cluttered mess. And it was starting to smell funny.
I knew something was bothering me but I could not put words to it. I thought it was anxious or bothered about something to do with work, or my evaluation/unraveling process.
Fast-forward to this past weekend, I visited my family for the first time since Christmas. I generally have good relationships with all of my immediate family, and my kids were super-excited to get some time with their cousin who is the same age as my youngest. I didn't stay overnight though I often do since it is a long drive there and back. I was exhausted, but glad I could see everyone. I also got to see my grandmother who is nearly 90 who I hadn't seen in about a year.
This morning, the day after, it was as if a fog lifted in my head. I saw the nastiness in the kitchen and after a cup of coffee, I started cleaning. In that moment, cleaning felt good. I spent over an hour on the kitchen alone and improved it's appearance and feel with the removal of the sticky residue on the floor. I tossed expired food out of the fridge and took three giant bags of trash to the bin. I refreshed my bedsheets and went through my oldest's clothing, setting aside all the items that no longer fit and listed them on the local FB group to donate. There is NOTHING on my bed aside from my linens.
The day before I had no idea that I missed my family, if someone asked me I might have said yes I miss them, since it had been so long. I didn't connect the dots until I had finished scrubbing the kitchen, which now has me thinking of different things I haven't been able to do for various reasons and how it may be affecting me.
For a couple of weeks I could not bring myself to perform basic household tasks. I could see the full trash can and logically conclude that it needed to be emptied, but I could not make myself do it until I was tripping over boxes and items that would not fit in the trash can. Even setting a reminder on my phone didn't help. Laundry was a struggle too, we had clean clothes to wear but for multiple nights half of my queen sized bed was occupied by a heaping mountain of wrinkly but clean laundry. If I had folded and put away as each load finished it wouldn't have gotten like that but NO. Folding felt excruciating. Like suddenly my limbs slowed and the tops of my shoulders felt painful at merely the thought of folding. Dishes were the only thing I somewhat kept up with while the rest of the house was a sticky, cluttered mess. And it was starting to smell funny.
I knew something was bothering me but I could not put words to it. I thought it was anxious or bothered about something to do with work, or my evaluation/unraveling process.
Fast-forward to this past weekend, I visited my family for the first time since Christmas. I generally have good relationships with all of my immediate family, and my kids were super-excited to get some time with their cousin who is the same age as my youngest. I didn't stay overnight though I often do since it is a long drive there and back. I was exhausted, but glad I could see everyone. I also got to see my grandmother who is nearly 90 who I hadn't seen in about a year.
This morning, the day after, it was as if a fog lifted in my head. I saw the nastiness in the kitchen and after a cup of coffee, I started cleaning. In that moment, cleaning felt good. I spent over an hour on the kitchen alone and improved it's appearance and feel with the removal of the sticky residue on the floor. I tossed expired food out of the fridge and took three giant bags of trash to the bin. I refreshed my bedsheets and went through my oldest's clothing, setting aside all the items that no longer fit and listed them on the local FB group to donate. There is NOTHING on my bed aside from my linens.
The day before I had no idea that I missed my family, if someone asked me I might have said yes I miss them, since it had been so long. I didn't connect the dots until I had finished scrubbing the kitchen, which now has me thinking of different things I haven't been able to do for various reasons and how it may be affecting me.
First Post
Mar. 27th, 2021 09:24 pmI never know what to write for my first entry, but here goes. I am in the middle of an evaluation for an official diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). This has triggered much unraveling of the ball of twine that represents my brain.
There is so much I have struggled with since I have existed. I'm 37 years old and am still never quite sure how to socialize with people. I frequently come off as weird or say something inappropriate without meaning to. I have meltdowns that manifest as blinding rage against nothing in particular. I have shutdowns sometimes that make speaking difficult. I have alexithymia which is a way of saying I struggle to express my emotions like others do. Sometimes it takes me days to figure out how I feel about something. So many things I think of both now and from my childhood are fully explained by being autistic. I resonate a LOT with this list.
I'm also still wrapping my head around BEING autistic. Learning all I can has become a new special interest in my large rotation of special interests.
There is so much I have struggled with since I have existed. I'm 37 years old and am still never quite sure how to socialize with people. I frequently come off as weird or say something inappropriate without meaning to. I have meltdowns that manifest as blinding rage against nothing in particular. I have shutdowns sometimes that make speaking difficult. I have alexithymia which is a way of saying I struggle to express my emotions like others do. Sometimes it takes me days to figure out how I feel about something. So many things I think of both now and from my childhood are fully explained by being autistic. I resonate a LOT with this list.
I'm also still wrapping my head around BEING autistic. Learning all I can has become a new special interest in my large rotation of special interests.
